Day 2 detox

I'm detoxing from sugar and caffeine at the same time. Not cold turkey... I can't handle the migraines but I've had MUCH less of both the last two days. These have also been emotionally challenging days as well.... Meaning I want some chocolate comfort. I've not given in but the day isn't done. :)

Infirtility

I have decided that I don't like that word so much and find it depressing today. 

On a brighter note, the only sugar and caffeine  for the day was my diet Dr. Pepper first thing this morning. I even turned down a butterfinger at lunch! :)

PCOS

Today I have conformation of that diagnoses. This feels like a battle and its just beginning! I have faith and hope that I will one day not suffer with all the effects of PCOS!! The first step is adding a few supplements and going sugar free. Honestly, I'm in mourning over the sugar!!! Sad, I know! But I can at least be honest with myself and I feel like that's a step in the right direction. So, with prayers and a determination to make it happen I start this journey.... 

Trimmings

“Don’t copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let God transform you…”  (Romans 12:2 NLT)

A gardener prunes an unshapely bush or tree and makes it pretty.  The really advanced ones can even make them into shapes like at Disney where the bushes are shaped like the characters from Beauty and the Beast.  They start out as an unrecognizable mess; it takes an artist heart of love to see what the bush will become.  However, in the end they become beautiful pieces of art.  Even then though, they require work and pruning to maintain their beauty.

That’s how we are.  Most other people in the world just see the unshapely mess we are while God sees the masterpiece we are becoming.  He’s sees beyond the mess to what He is shaping us to be.  We are more than our past; we are more than the mess we are right now.  We are a treasured work of art.

I’m not sure if I find it sad or encouraging, but the truth is that even when we become shaped as God means us to be we will still find ourselves being trimmed and pruned.  Any good gardener knows that plants require routine work to maintain their shape and beauty.  Thus, even though I am more like Christ today than ever before I know there will still be times I feel the two-edged sword trimming away at me.  He won’t be done with me until I get to heaven no matter how Christ like to world may say I am.  As long as that’s the case there will be routine maintenance to keep me in shape, growing the right way, and to keep me from becoming that unshapely mess I’d undoubtedly try to grow back into. 

I’m not sure if I find it sad or encouraging, but the truth is that even when we become shaped as God means us to be we will still find ourselves being trimmed and pruned.  Any good gardener knows that plants require routine work to maintain their shape and beauty.  Thus, even though I am more like Christ today than ever before I know there will still be times I feel the two-edged sword trimming away at me.  He won’t be done with me until I get to heaven no matter how Christ like to world may say I am.  As long as that’s the case there will be routine maintenance to keep me in shape, growing the right way, and to keep me from becoming that unshapely mess I’d undoubtedly try to grow back into.

This gives me a new perspective into why I sometimes feel like I am doing all I can and living for the Lord but still feel pain or discomfort in my heart or life.  He’s not mad, disappointed, or angry as I try to live for Him. He’s not sitting up in heaven complaining that I’m aren’t doing enough or doing it wrong.  Yes, there are times I sin and I do grieve Him.  However, there are other times He’s simply keeping me trimmed up to His Beauty.  I might be more like Him now, but to keep me growing in the right shape, He has to cut off the shoots or limbs that are going the wrong way.  They may not be “wrong” but they aren’t going the direction He needs. That gives me a new hope in why things happen the way they do.  It’s not my “get out of jail free” card nor does it mean I don’t need a regular heart check to make sure I’m living in a way that loves Jesus but it does mean I have room to give myself grace. That grace gives me room to be myself, to feel loved, to accept I’m not always a big mess, but sometimes just in need of a shaping up trim.

I am reminded that sometimes cutting back something doesn’t mean it is forever taken way.  Sometimes I just need a little less of it.  I love chocolate, but sometimes for my own good I have to limit what I consume.  Sometimes I think it’s like that with God.  He isn’t taking a thing away from us forever, but trimming back how much He lets us have. 

Fall....my favorite time of the year! :)

Brokenness

Today we took communion at church. During the time leading up to this we sang a song about being broken and it got me to really thinking about brokenness and what we do with the idea of being broken...this was started and never finished.  For brokenness is a hard thing to accept as being a good thing. I started again and I hope you are blessed by where God has lead. I think this will be an ongoing study and one done in real time as I live it. I'm sure there will be things to add, but now this is where I find myself.
This is an idea God has helped me continue to work through on several occasions over the last couple of years. I can say it doesn't always feel good and it isn't a growth process I enjoy.  However, ever time He reminds me of my own brokenness I start to see those around me who really need to have a different perspective on where they are.  I've been challenged to change my question of "why me" to one of "why not me." Yes, i have had some challenges and reaped some painful consequences from "bad" decisions; yet, it is those very experiences God has used to refine me.  It is those times I'd change in my humanism, those times I feel are broken that He uses to a cause far greater than myself. So, I don't know that I would define them as bad per say, just things that have a lesson I hope I don't forget and others can learn from and avoid.  So the current version of my brokenness:

In a world of microwave dinners ready in mere minutes, instant communication around the world, and a culture inundated with instant gratification, God has begun to teach me the beauty of being broken.  We live in a self-help world where everything from math to plumbing to gardening has its own how-to book.  There is a book on how to fix every relationship problem we encounter.  Yet, I don’t find a single Bible verse where God asks, commands, nor directs us to fix ourselves.  We have been born in into a sin sick world that is dying and not once can I find a place where God asks us to cure our own sickness.  He is the one who heals and He is the one who does all the work.  Thus, to admit my own short-comings and brokenness (or non-wholeness) is to allow God to get the glory and honor of even the smallest things accomplished through this human life I live. 

It is quiet astounding to know as backwards as modern thought would proclaim it, I can do more by being less; less of me means more of God.  However, even a look through the “faith chapter” in Hebrews is full of men with limitations and broken places.  Abraham lied about Sarah being his wife and had a speech impediment.  Isaac was deceived and blessed the wrong son. Joseph was hated by his brothers and left for dead. Moses was to have been killed at birth and was hidden and raised as another’s son. It gives me hope of what God can do in my life despite the past I’d like to change…the very past He used to change my heart.  He allows my scars to minister to others; to be the very place where grace and mercy collide.  It is a place that I can choose to live in isolation and regret or I can choose to let my life thus far ripple out and affect those God puts in my path.

Attending a Woman of Faith event I have heard Andy Andrews speak and have read some of his books. He is a great speaker and writer and tells a story I am reminded of now.  It is a story that has helped me realize that I have a choice to choose and that my choices will have farther reaching effects than one might first think. The story is of Norman Borlaug, the man who received the Nobel Peace prize for saving millions of lives with his hybridization of corn. But was he really the one to save those lives?  Could it be that the real credit lies with Henry Wallace who was the Secretary of Agriculture under President Roosevelt? It was Wallace who commissioned Borlaug to the research station in Mexico that was responsible for producing the hybrid corn that saved millions. So, Wallace should have been given the Nobel Prize.  But maybe it is George Washing Carver who deserves the prize? It was Carver, who while working on discovering uses for the peanut and sweet potato spent time with the six year old Carver.  It was here that Wallace discovered the possibilities of plant science that would inspire him to commission Borlaug to Mexico. Or maybe it wasn’t Caver; maybe it was Moses and Susan, farmers from Diamond Missouri. Moses and Susan lived in a slave state but did not support slavery. Mary was friends with a young black woman, Mary Washington, who lived on the farm.  One night Quantrill’s Raiders pillaged the farm and took Mary and her infant son.  Susan begged her husband to do something and he sent word out to set up a meeting with the raiders.  He traded his best horse, all that he and Susan had left for Mary’s son, George.  Moses and Susan raised George as their own knowing Mary was already dead.  Thus, the Nobel Prize belongs to them.  Unless…. As you see the choices of today aren’t limited to today.  I may never see the full fruition of the daily choices I make this side of heaven but it doesn’t change the fact that our choices do matter to more than self.  We don’t live in a bubble; what will you and I decide today that may save billions of lives only a few generations from now?

Knowing these things, I ask God to break my heart not only for what breaks His but also for what I need to be small so He can be big.  I ask that I remember that He sees my real heart no matter what the world sees; being “good” simply isn’t good enough.  He knows the nights I cry myself to sleep; the times I cry out because I don’t understand; the times I am weak of mind and will, the times I consider just giving up and taking matters into my own hands.  He knows all these moments, loves me anyway, and will use them to bless to others. For you see as Nancy Leigh DeMoss expresses, “Proud people keep others at arm’s length. Broken people are willing to take the risks of getting close to others and loving intimately.”  My brokenness not only makes me useable, approachable, and “normal” but it is what allows me to love others in an intimate way.  It is the broken places that allow me to cherish those whom God has and will bless me with. 

Psalms 51:17 says, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: A broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise (ASV).”   I can choose to hide and wallow in my pain or I can choose to walk into the world and hold my broken places up to God as an offering.  I can choose to bemoan my past or I can choose to be thankful for the responsibility of being entrusted with broken places.  I can scream at God about why He would allow these things or I can be a bit more realistic and ask “Why not me?”  I can see things the way the modern world would dictate or I can look at things with God’s eyes and perspective.  “Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit”—contrary to what we would expect, brokenness is the pathway to blessing!  There are no alternative routes; there are no short-cuts.  The very thing we dread and are tempted to resist is actually the means to God’s greatest blessings in our lives,” as Nancy Leigh DeMoss has stated. That pathway of blessing is for more than me and my own personal wants, pleasure, or torment.  How I choose to see that pathway is my own choice and one I must frequently be reminded is not all about me. 

God is good. Always.  However, sin is bad.  We were given free-will and not just made puppets of an all-controlling God.  We choose to sin because we are human; other people sin because they are human.  Sin has consequences and though Jesus serves as our sacrifice to remove the eternal judgment of sin we still have to face the consequences.  Forgiveness doesn’t equal restitution and a “get out of jail free card.”  Then there are times that we aren’t under judgment but are walking through the refining fires to create a more Christ-like self.  Regardless of why we walk the road we walk and face the trial and tribulation we face, we can be assured that it has been filtered through God and will be used for good.  Being broken for whatever reason makes one small and God big as well as proving to be good.  If you haven’t seen “good”, you haven’t seen the end.

More thoughts on brokenness and wisdom beyond me:

“The broken person…will find that all of the resources of heaven and all of the Spirit’s power are now at his disposal and, unless heaven’s riches can be exhausted or the Spirit’s power can be found wanting, he cannot come up short.”  (Jennifer Kennedy Dean)

“True brokenness is a lifestyle—a moment-by-moment lifestyle of agreeing with God about the true condition of my heart and life—not as everyone else thinks it is but as He knows it to be.” (Nancy Leigh DeMoss)

more on grace

These are quotes from Captured By Grace by David Jeremiah.  I like how he describes grace:
" It means unmerited favor or kindness shown to one who is utterly undeserving...It is not merely a free gift, but a free gift to those who deserve the exact opposite, and it is given to us while we are without hope and without God in the world."

"At the heart of the mystery is the essential concept: the idea of mercy.  We must understand grace, at least within the limits of our comprehension; we must understand mercy.  And we must be clear on how the two ideas intersect."

"The truth is more elusive, like the words themselves.  Think of it this way: Mercy is God withholding the punishment we rightfully deserve.  Grace is God not only withholding that punishment but offering the most precious of gifts instead.
Mercy withholds the knife from the heart of Isaac.
Grace provides a ram in the thicket.

Mercy runs to forgive the Prodigal Son.
Grace throws a party with every extravagance.

Mercy bandages the wounds of the man beaten by the robbers.
Grace covers the cost of his full recovery.

Mercy hears the cry of the thief on the cross.
Grace promises paradise that very day.

Mercy pays the penalty for our sin at the cross.
Grace substitutes the righteousness of Christ for our wickedness.

Mercy converts Paul on the road to Damascus.
Grace calls him to be an apostle.

Mercy saves John Newton from a life of rebellion and sin.
Grace makes him a pastor and author of a timeless hymn.

Mercy closes the door to hell.
Grace opens the door to heaven.

Mercy withholds what we have earned.
Grace provides blessing we have not earned."

"A moment of grace can change a lifetime.  In fact, a moment of grace can change an eternity."

"Grace can only shine in its ultimate brilliance because it emerges from ultimate darkness."

"Pardon takes away the punishment for a sin.  Justification erases any record of your transgression...Forgiveness says, "I'm going to let you slide this time."  Justification says, "I'm going to remove the offense from all memory, as if it never occurred." It forgives and forgets."

I'm sure I'll have more to add and I do LOVE sharing what I think are the highlights of books.  In fact, maybe I'll post them more often...but for now I think I'd like to add a few of my own thoughts.
Mercy stopped me on a self destructing road of earthly hell.
Grace gave me a story of redemption and resurrected my life.

Mercy allowed my friend to hold her baby son, to live, to create memories.
Grace allowed her womb to carry another life, her breast to sustain another son while she grieved, and allowed laughter back into her life.

Mercy allowed a person who had never been through some the things I put myself through to help me walk the road to begin healing.
Grace allows me to call her friend as I keep traveling the journey.

Mercy means I don't walk alone even when I'd like to.
Grace gives God's hands, feet, and hugs to other humans so I can feel them.

Mercy allowed my Daddy to live in the '70s when a 1000 pound belly pan fell on his head (they came to get him in the hearse).
Grace allowed him to marry my mom and then allowed me to call him Daddy.

Mercy allows me to know I'll see those I love again.
Grace allows me to carry the memories now.

Mercy allows me a job, a home, a car, and MANY other blessings!
Grace allows me to enjoy them, even the work involved.

Mercy allows me to heal from sin.
Grace allows me fresh chances that I should not have.

Moments of mercy and grace are such life changing, even eternity changing glimpses of heaven that I sit and marvel that a holy God could so transform a wretch like me to even see them....and hopefully offer them.  I am simply amazed!!  Even as I write this I'm sitting here praying to my Abba Father and all I can manage is "Wow." I could sit here for days telling of punishments that have been withheld from me and blessings bestowed that I will never deserve. It truly is an amazing, awe inspiring start to my day.