Today I find I need to write. I need to put in words why these tears won't stop, why I feel like a mess.
You see I have finally learned to love and be loved...not the fake imitation of 8 years. And love sometimes hurts. We finally talked today...the first time in 2 months. I love him more now. I hope one day I can post our wedding day and my friend Jennifer can blog about new life for us. However, I know my plans are not God's and I really want to honor Him and give Him the room to work it out as he needs to. My heart breaks because even though he is getting the "space" and life he asked for and wanted, he's got "fine" not abundant. God didn't just promise life (or fine) but He promised that and then some (abundant). I've been down the road of fine...it's not really fine. I've settled. I know how my own heart broke and all hurt from trying to make my life fine. I needed Jesus. At times I have felt He jerked me up by the hair of my head and drug me down the path of healing and other times I gladly trudge along because I was tired of being where I was. I was at the end of me. I can't make him want abundant, I can't drag him around, and I can't "fix it." I can't but God can and He is stretching my faith; asking me to believe that He is sovereign; asking me to remember that this pain and these tears do have a purpose. It's not an easy journey and not one I'd have chosen on my own but one I don't feel I can jump off of either. You see, even though the world thinks I'm nuts, I know what God has called me to and I know that being faithful to Him and what He calls me to is MUCH more important than what people think of me. So, I journey on....
The other pain is knowing that Friday marks 10 years since my Daddy went to be with Jesus. I'm not sure who I'm jealous of, my Dad or Jesus. Not really, but it does make me smile and I need to smile. I know I can celebrate the 19 years I had him and the lessons he taught me, the love he shared, and the memories I have. But right now I need to be like David and give myself time to grieve....the 10 years I haven't had him and the things he has missed and will miss. Even when I was too big to sit in his lap any more and he hated when I cried, he never failed to hug me and wipe away my tears. I never appreciated all he did for me till after he was gone...if heaven weren't so far away I'd drive up for a few days and have a visit.
I doubt I ever look back and think this was one of my more well written posts but I can say I've written it honestly and with tears streaming running down my face.