Grace

Last night I stood before my small library and ask God to show me what I needed to read.  What I needed to see.  I've read most of my books at least once and that is true for the one that caught my attention:  David Jeremiah's Captured by Grace. It made me start thinking about what the word grace really means.  I pray for it for myself and others but what pray-tell am I really asking for? 
Right now I'm not sure I have the answer but I am at the place I can state that grace is truly amazing.  Grace is the bridge that takes my weaknesses, sins and short comings and walks me to the abundance of Christ.  It is that force that gives me more than I deserve; the thing that allows me to go beyond my humanism; the thing that covers my limited-ness.  It is partnered with mercy to take the shame of my past and mold it into something beautiful.  Grace is what God applies when I reach out to love and don't get it quite right.  Grace is what God gives me when I reach the end of myself and have absolutely nothing left to offer/give and I turn to Him and fills in the gaps.  It is taking the broken, shattered pieces of me and turning them into a new and transformed piece of art.  It is God stretching down from heaven to count my tears and number the hairs on my head.  Grace is God loving me enough to hurt, ache, and probably cry as He hung His son on a cross and turned His back as Jesus died for my sins...to make me right with a just God.  Grace is what said to me, my child you have run far enough, come home.  Grace is what allows that sinful journey and transform it into something that is relevant to someone with a completely different journey.  Grace is being able to smile on the saddest of days and it is a real smile, not the fake ones.  It is the force that carries you on when your heart is breaking. Grace is the love of the cross chasing me, hunting me, leaving the 99 to pursue me.
I'm not sure I've summed it up well nor am I sure it really matters. As with most parts of life, it isn't so much the destination, but the journey to get there.  It isn't really even about me at all.  I'm just the moon trying to reflect the Son...

Today I find I need to write. I need to put in words why these tears won't stop, why I feel like a mess.
You see I have finally learned to love and be loved...not the fake imitation of 8 years. And love sometimes hurts. We finally talked today...the first time in 2 months. I love him more now. I hope one day I can post our wedding day and my friend Jennifer can blog about new life for us. However, I know my plans are not God's and I really want to honor Him and give Him the room to work it out as he needs to. My heart breaks because even though he is getting the "space" and life he asked for and wanted, he's got "fine" not abundant. God didn't just promise life (or fine) but He promised that and then some (abundant). I've been down the road of fine...it's not really fine. I've settled. I know how my own heart broke and all hurt from trying to make my life fine. I needed Jesus. At times I have felt He jerked me up by the hair of my head and drug me down the path of healing and other times I gladly trudge along because I was tired of being where I was. I was at the end of me. I can't make him want abundant, I can't drag him around, and I can't "fix it." I can't but God can and He is stretching my faith; asking me to believe that He is sovereign; asking me to remember that this pain and these tears do have a purpose. It's not an easy journey and not one I'd have chosen on my own but one I don't feel I can jump off of either. You see, even though the world thinks I'm nuts, I know what God has called me to and I know that being faithful to Him and what He calls me to is MUCH more important than what people think of me. So, I journey on....
The other pain is knowing that Friday marks 10 years since my Daddy went to be with Jesus. I'm not sure who I'm jealous of, my Dad or Jesus. Not really, but it does make me smile and I need to smile. I know I can celebrate the 19 years I had him and the lessons he taught me, the love he shared, and the memories I have. But right now I need to be like David and give myself time to grieve....the 10 years I haven't had him and the things he has missed and will miss. Even when I was too big to sit in his lap any more and he hated when I cried, he never failed to hug me and wipe away my tears. I never appreciated all he did for me till after he was gone...if heaven weren't so far away I'd drive up for a few days and have a visit.
I doubt I ever look back and think this was one of my more well written posts but I can say I've written it honestly and with tears streaming running down my face. 

Growing....

It seems 2011 is going to be a year of growing for me if these first weeks of January are any indication. I'm accepting of that and thankful that there is a Holy God who refuses to leave me as I am....that He is still working on me. I have been encouraged to write what I am learning so that when I am asked about at a later date I will be able to find my account of it. I'm out of the habit of putting pen to paper and by writing here maybe someone else will be able to be encouraged by what the Lord is doing in me.

All that being said I'm a bit overwhelmed on where to start. I began to try an online dating site which I might add I do NOT recommend for the faint of heart, but maybe that's about dating in general and overall....However, I will even say God has used this to grow me. I began to chat with a man who has been very nice, sweet, kind, and he would discuss his faith with me. His background is VERY different than mine. At first, I was going to just dismiss him and move on....I wasn't sure we could overcome the differences. In fact, sometimes I'm still not, but he's at least willing to listen to me explain what I think.

It is in these discussions that I have come to the place to question why I believe what I believe. If I required him to have scripture to back up what he was saying then I needed my own....and found myself sadly lacking.

I had been praying about the matter and who to talk with. I'd spoken briefly to my pastor about the differences in the names of "religions" and what they really meant. (On that note I need to seek him out for a longer conversation so I can explain what Convenient Evangelical means and how it binds our band of misfits.) I have a friend that I bounce a lot of these types of questions off of and so I sent her a message. She and her husband sat down with me for a couple of hours and we hashed out the basics of the questions I had with the promise to have more time to discuss questions that are sure to arise (some already have).

My overarching question revolved around whether someone could lose their salvation. I have always been taught that once you were saved you were always saved. Upon stating this was asked then how did one become saved. This again is something I feel like I should pull out the Roman's Road and show someone but I was searching for something different, deeper.... So, upon a little guidance in the scripture I have some answers to my questions.

I'm going to start with Ephesians 2:1 "Once you were dead because of your disobedience and you many sins. I was dead, unable to do anything, a corpse." I've often heard it taught that salvation is a gift and all I have to do is take it, reach out and receive it. However, if I am dead I am unable to even reach for it, unable to even open my hand to take it. So, that would mean someone (God) had to come to me purposefully knowing they were going to have to do all the work.

Here I will back up to Ephesians 1: 4-14. You can read the whole thing for yourself but I want to bring out a few specific words/thoughts. "Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family...This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure....glorious grace he poured out....he chose us in advance....he identified you as his own.....he has purchased you to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him."

I think I should add that we are all born in sin and bent toward sin. There is nothing in us to desire God, to seek Him, nor to be different than how we were born. That leads me back to how was I saved....in the past I would have answered that I accepted Christ as my Savior on a Sunday as a 7 or 8 year old girl at the church we were attending at the time. Now, after seeing just how unable I was to receive....I was dead after all, I will answer that on that day I bowed to the awesome amazing wonderful holy wholly loving call of God on my life. Before He spoke the world into being He choose me and on that day bowed my heart in overcoming power to submit to the greatest love ever known. He purchased me from the sinful life wholly deserving hell and set me apart. I did nothing in this process. He bent my heart, soul, will, and mind toward Him. He provided the faith and humbling; those are not sinful human things but are gifts from Him. John 1: 11 says, "He came to his own people, and even they rejected him."

At this point in studying and talking my questions began to be if God began the work or process of salvation, of making me Christ-like then how did I do some of the things I have done and doesn't that separate me from this love and salvation????? Without going too deeply into free will and just how free one's will is let me say that people are at different places in their faith and strength.

Satan is a roaring lion looking for who he can destroy; he comes to still kill and destroy. I think this is why we are admonished to build up one another in the body of Christ. It's in our weakness that we lose sight of whose we are and make choices we end up not being proud of. Now having said that, I also think God knew we were going to do these things and uses them to bring Him glory. He isn't surprised by what we do and nor does He require our obedience to accomplish His will. This reminds me of Mordecai telling Esther that God will save the Jews without her but perhaps she was put here in this time and place to accomplish this purpose.

I'm getting off subject.....saying that our flesh is weak and we all sin even when we purpose after God. I am reminded of David who was deemed a man after God's own heart. Even in his affair with Bathsheba and his choice in insure her husband was killed in battle, God never quit on him. 2 Timothy 2:13 says, "If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is."

That brings me to the last part of what I went in search of....can I be separated from my salvation? Can it be lost? I think that depends on how you obtained salvation. If you maintain you had to accept the gift of salvation then yes you can denounce your acceptance. However, if you maintain that God did all the work and you had nothing to do with it then no it can not be lost. First, it makes no sense for God to have chosen me before the foundations of the world to be His, knowing everything I would do both righteous and sin, and then to turn His back on me when I do what He already knew I would do. He knew it all when Jesus died, was buried, and rose again to defeat said sin and resulting death.

Now, even if that doesn't make sense to you there are two places in scripture I'd like to consider. The first is Romans 8: 35-39 which says, "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love?....And I am convinced that nothing (I would add here not even sin; nothing means nothing) can separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus out Lord." The other place I would reference is Psalms 139. "O Lord you have examined my heart and know everything about me....You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord....I can never escape from you Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven you are there; if I go down to the grave (I will add that some versions say hell instead of grave) you are there but even in darkness I cannot hide from you....You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed...."

As anticipated I now have new questions but for now this is what God has given me. I pray it blesses and encourages you! :)

Just been thinking

So it's September...a month that tends to be up and down. Quite honestly it's always been that way. My memaw died when I was in the 5th grade on September 15. I think I remember that more now as that my dad died on the 16th. This year I want to remember the good memories and celebrate the life we had not the death and loss....We'll see how it goes.

Women of Faith

I signed up last year to be a group leader for this years (2010) Women of Faith event in Greensboro NC. It's like I couldn't not do it. I cried standing in line knowing I had to follow God. It's been tough. I thought I'd have help and it's not worked out that way. I know there's grace and it will all work out and it's not about the money....but I give my word and I want to stand by that. So, today I visited 4 churches and talked to those whom I feel God led me to so now it's just a matter of sitting back, praying and letting God be God and work it out. Join me in praying that the women who need to be in those seats will be the ones that are there. I went to Staples to look at a rolling/wheeled computer bag. I've been carrying a shoulder bad all day and have a headache from it. While at Staples I saw a lady whom had on a church t-shirt. I ask her if she knew one of my high school friends--it was his wife! How like God to put her in my path! It was awesome....I invited her to WOF too.
I came home to rest before church and haven't really rested, but I'm out of the car and still so that's nice!
I had to run by a friend's today. This has been the one person I wanted to notice my weight loss but without me just saying it out right....It happened! God just makes me smile...not a big deal to the world but a nice little smile for me!
xoxo

Be still and know that I am God

How did I go from life being somewhat idealistic to not being so????
I know that life changes one choice at a time and it's the little choices that seem insignificant that usually are the important ones. I can look back and say that the choice to spend the night when I knew I should have left is one I know seems insignificant but was the in many ways the beginning of major life changes for me. Am I there now? Am I going to look back and see this as a turning point in life? I'm not sure but have a feeling this is the case.
As I write that I'm just thinking that if I believe God is truly working then does it matter that life doesn't feel so ideal right now? I'm thinking not so much.
Yet, God knows my heart hurts right now but He promises to restore the years (or any amount of time) lost to the locusts. Right now I think that's a promise I can hang on to. All God asks is that I be still and let Him reign; let Him be God....easier to say than walk out...
Thanks be to God for all His miracles in my life!!

Haven't had a post in a long time. Finishing my class at GTCC took more of my time than I would have thought. It was a great class!! It's been a very busy Saturday. Errands, Stampin' up party, mowed the yard, cleaned house, and laundry. My air isn't working and so it's been a hot labor!!! In the next month I have 3 long weekends and want to do some sewing so excited about getting ready for that.
It's become a season of being still and letting God be God. A season of dying to self; a season to not just know in my head God's peace but experiencing it in my heart.
Doing Ruth study with a few ladies from church and Beth Moore's blog. It's interesting seeing her perspective on a favorite story (Ruth is my middle name).
Weight loss is going ok. Lost over 30 pounds now. It's hard to believe. Had to add it twice. I have a 10 year High School reunion in September and so hope to look good for that. It's intimidating for me.