Trimmings

“Don’t copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let God transform you…”  (Romans 12:2 NLT)

A gardener prunes an unshapely bush or tree and makes it pretty.  The really advanced ones can even make them into shapes like at Disney where the bushes are shaped like the characters from Beauty and the Beast.  They start out as an unrecognizable mess; it takes an artist heart of love to see what the bush will become.  However, in the end they become beautiful pieces of art.  Even then though, they require work and pruning to maintain their beauty.

That’s how we are.  Most other people in the world just see the unshapely mess we are while God sees the masterpiece we are becoming.  He’s sees beyond the mess to what He is shaping us to be.  We are more than our past; we are more than the mess we are right now.  We are a treasured work of art.

I’m not sure if I find it sad or encouraging, but the truth is that even when we become shaped as God means us to be we will still find ourselves being trimmed and pruned.  Any good gardener knows that plants require routine work to maintain their shape and beauty.  Thus, even though I am more like Christ today than ever before I know there will still be times I feel the two-edged sword trimming away at me.  He won’t be done with me until I get to heaven no matter how Christ like to world may say I am.  As long as that’s the case there will be routine maintenance to keep me in shape, growing the right way, and to keep me from becoming that unshapely mess I’d undoubtedly try to grow back into. 

I’m not sure if I find it sad or encouraging, but the truth is that even when we become shaped as God means us to be we will still find ourselves being trimmed and pruned.  Any good gardener knows that plants require routine work to maintain their shape and beauty.  Thus, even though I am more like Christ today than ever before I know there will still be times I feel the two-edged sword trimming away at me.  He won’t be done with me until I get to heaven no matter how Christ like to world may say I am.  As long as that’s the case there will be routine maintenance to keep me in shape, growing the right way, and to keep me from becoming that unshapely mess I’d undoubtedly try to grow back into.

This gives me a new perspective into why I sometimes feel like I am doing all I can and living for the Lord but still feel pain or discomfort in my heart or life.  He’s not mad, disappointed, or angry as I try to live for Him. He’s not sitting up in heaven complaining that I’m aren’t doing enough or doing it wrong.  Yes, there are times I sin and I do grieve Him.  However, there are other times He’s simply keeping me trimmed up to His Beauty.  I might be more like Him now, but to keep me growing in the right shape, He has to cut off the shoots or limbs that are going the wrong way.  They may not be “wrong” but they aren’t going the direction He needs. That gives me a new hope in why things happen the way they do.  It’s not my “get out of jail free” card nor does it mean I don’t need a regular heart check to make sure I’m living in a way that loves Jesus but it does mean I have room to give myself grace. That grace gives me room to be myself, to feel loved, to accept I’m not always a big mess, but sometimes just in need of a shaping up trim.

I am reminded that sometimes cutting back something doesn’t mean it is forever taken way.  Sometimes I just need a little less of it.  I love chocolate, but sometimes for my own good I have to limit what I consume.  Sometimes I think it’s like that with God.  He isn’t taking a thing away from us forever, but trimming back how much He lets us have. 

Fall....my favorite time of the year! :)

Brokenness

Today we took communion at church. During the time leading up to this we sang a song about being broken and it got me to really thinking about brokenness and what we do with the idea of being broken...this was started and never finished.  For brokenness is a hard thing to accept as being a good thing. I started again and I hope you are blessed by where God has lead. I think this will be an ongoing study and one done in real time as I live it. I'm sure there will be things to add, but now this is where I find myself.
This is an idea God has helped me continue to work through on several occasions over the last couple of years. I can say it doesn't always feel good and it isn't a growth process I enjoy.  However, ever time He reminds me of my own brokenness I start to see those around me who really need to have a different perspective on where they are.  I've been challenged to change my question of "why me" to one of "why not me." Yes, i have had some challenges and reaped some painful consequences from "bad" decisions; yet, it is those very experiences God has used to refine me.  It is those times I'd change in my humanism, those times I feel are broken that He uses to a cause far greater than myself. So, I don't know that I would define them as bad per say, just things that have a lesson I hope I don't forget and others can learn from and avoid.  So the current version of my brokenness:

In a world of microwave dinners ready in mere minutes, instant communication around the world, and a culture inundated with instant gratification, God has begun to teach me the beauty of being broken.  We live in a self-help world where everything from math to plumbing to gardening has its own how-to book.  There is a book on how to fix every relationship problem we encounter.  Yet, I don’t find a single Bible verse where God asks, commands, nor directs us to fix ourselves.  We have been born in into a sin sick world that is dying and not once can I find a place where God asks us to cure our own sickness.  He is the one who heals and He is the one who does all the work.  Thus, to admit my own short-comings and brokenness (or non-wholeness) is to allow God to get the glory and honor of even the smallest things accomplished through this human life I live. 

It is quiet astounding to know as backwards as modern thought would proclaim it, I can do more by being less; less of me means more of God.  However, even a look through the “faith chapter” in Hebrews is full of men with limitations and broken places.  Abraham lied about Sarah being his wife and had a speech impediment.  Isaac was deceived and blessed the wrong son. Joseph was hated by his brothers and left for dead. Moses was to have been killed at birth and was hidden and raised as another’s son. It gives me hope of what God can do in my life despite the past I’d like to change…the very past He used to change my heart.  He allows my scars to minister to others; to be the very place where grace and mercy collide.  It is a place that I can choose to live in isolation and regret or I can choose to let my life thus far ripple out and affect those God puts in my path.

Attending a Woman of Faith event I have heard Andy Andrews speak and have read some of his books. He is a great speaker and writer and tells a story I am reminded of now.  It is a story that has helped me realize that I have a choice to choose and that my choices will have farther reaching effects than one might first think. The story is of Norman Borlaug, the man who received the Nobel Peace prize for saving millions of lives with his hybridization of corn. But was he really the one to save those lives?  Could it be that the real credit lies with Henry Wallace who was the Secretary of Agriculture under President Roosevelt? It was Wallace who commissioned Borlaug to the research station in Mexico that was responsible for producing the hybrid corn that saved millions. So, Wallace should have been given the Nobel Prize.  But maybe it is George Washing Carver who deserves the prize? It was Carver, who while working on discovering uses for the peanut and sweet potato spent time with the six year old Carver.  It was here that Wallace discovered the possibilities of plant science that would inspire him to commission Borlaug to Mexico. Or maybe it wasn’t Caver; maybe it was Moses and Susan, farmers from Diamond Missouri. Moses and Susan lived in a slave state but did not support slavery. Mary was friends with a young black woman, Mary Washington, who lived on the farm.  One night Quantrill’s Raiders pillaged the farm and took Mary and her infant son.  Susan begged her husband to do something and he sent word out to set up a meeting with the raiders.  He traded his best horse, all that he and Susan had left for Mary’s son, George.  Moses and Susan raised George as their own knowing Mary was already dead.  Thus, the Nobel Prize belongs to them.  Unless…. As you see the choices of today aren’t limited to today.  I may never see the full fruition of the daily choices I make this side of heaven but it doesn’t change the fact that our choices do matter to more than self.  We don’t live in a bubble; what will you and I decide today that may save billions of lives only a few generations from now?

Knowing these things, I ask God to break my heart not only for what breaks His but also for what I need to be small so He can be big.  I ask that I remember that He sees my real heart no matter what the world sees; being “good” simply isn’t good enough.  He knows the nights I cry myself to sleep; the times I cry out because I don’t understand; the times I am weak of mind and will, the times I consider just giving up and taking matters into my own hands.  He knows all these moments, loves me anyway, and will use them to bless to others. For you see as Nancy Leigh DeMoss expresses, “Proud people keep others at arm’s length. Broken people are willing to take the risks of getting close to others and loving intimately.”  My brokenness not only makes me useable, approachable, and “normal” but it is what allows me to love others in an intimate way.  It is the broken places that allow me to cherish those whom God has and will bless me with. 

Psalms 51:17 says, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: A broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise (ASV).”   I can choose to hide and wallow in my pain or I can choose to walk into the world and hold my broken places up to God as an offering.  I can choose to bemoan my past or I can choose to be thankful for the responsibility of being entrusted with broken places.  I can scream at God about why He would allow these things or I can be a bit more realistic and ask “Why not me?”  I can see things the way the modern world would dictate or I can look at things with God’s eyes and perspective.  “Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit”—contrary to what we would expect, brokenness is the pathway to blessing!  There are no alternative routes; there are no short-cuts.  The very thing we dread and are tempted to resist is actually the means to God’s greatest blessings in our lives,” as Nancy Leigh DeMoss has stated. That pathway of blessing is for more than me and my own personal wants, pleasure, or torment.  How I choose to see that pathway is my own choice and one I must frequently be reminded is not all about me. 

God is good. Always.  However, sin is bad.  We were given free-will and not just made puppets of an all-controlling God.  We choose to sin because we are human; other people sin because they are human.  Sin has consequences and though Jesus serves as our sacrifice to remove the eternal judgment of sin we still have to face the consequences.  Forgiveness doesn’t equal restitution and a “get out of jail free card.”  Then there are times that we aren’t under judgment but are walking through the refining fires to create a more Christ-like self.  Regardless of why we walk the road we walk and face the trial and tribulation we face, we can be assured that it has been filtered through God and will be used for good.  Being broken for whatever reason makes one small and God big as well as proving to be good.  If you haven’t seen “good”, you haven’t seen the end.

More thoughts on brokenness and wisdom beyond me:

“The broken person…will find that all of the resources of heaven and all of the Spirit’s power are now at his disposal and, unless heaven’s riches can be exhausted or the Spirit’s power can be found wanting, he cannot come up short.”  (Jennifer Kennedy Dean)

“True brokenness is a lifestyle—a moment-by-moment lifestyle of agreeing with God about the true condition of my heart and life—not as everyone else thinks it is but as He knows it to be.” (Nancy Leigh DeMoss)

more on grace

These are quotes from Captured By Grace by David Jeremiah.  I like how he describes grace:
" It means unmerited favor or kindness shown to one who is utterly undeserving...It is not merely a free gift, but a free gift to those who deserve the exact opposite, and it is given to us while we are without hope and without God in the world."

"At the heart of the mystery is the essential concept: the idea of mercy.  We must understand grace, at least within the limits of our comprehension; we must understand mercy.  And we must be clear on how the two ideas intersect."

"The truth is more elusive, like the words themselves.  Think of it this way: Mercy is God withholding the punishment we rightfully deserve.  Grace is God not only withholding that punishment but offering the most precious of gifts instead.
Mercy withholds the knife from the heart of Isaac.
Grace provides a ram in the thicket.

Mercy runs to forgive the Prodigal Son.
Grace throws a party with every extravagance.

Mercy bandages the wounds of the man beaten by the robbers.
Grace covers the cost of his full recovery.

Mercy hears the cry of the thief on the cross.
Grace promises paradise that very day.

Mercy pays the penalty for our sin at the cross.
Grace substitutes the righteousness of Christ for our wickedness.

Mercy converts Paul on the road to Damascus.
Grace calls him to be an apostle.

Mercy saves John Newton from a life of rebellion and sin.
Grace makes him a pastor and author of a timeless hymn.

Mercy closes the door to hell.
Grace opens the door to heaven.

Mercy withholds what we have earned.
Grace provides blessing we have not earned."

"A moment of grace can change a lifetime.  In fact, a moment of grace can change an eternity."

"Grace can only shine in its ultimate brilliance because it emerges from ultimate darkness."

"Pardon takes away the punishment for a sin.  Justification erases any record of your transgression...Forgiveness says, "I'm going to let you slide this time."  Justification says, "I'm going to remove the offense from all memory, as if it never occurred." It forgives and forgets."

I'm sure I'll have more to add and I do LOVE sharing what I think are the highlights of books.  In fact, maybe I'll post them more often...but for now I think I'd like to add a few of my own thoughts.
Mercy stopped me on a self destructing road of earthly hell.
Grace gave me a story of redemption and resurrected my life.

Mercy allowed my friend to hold her baby son, to live, to create memories.
Grace allowed her womb to carry another life, her breast to sustain another son while she grieved, and allowed laughter back into her life.

Mercy allowed a person who had never been through some the things I put myself through to help me walk the road to begin healing.
Grace allows me to call her friend as I keep traveling the journey.

Mercy means I don't walk alone even when I'd like to.
Grace gives God's hands, feet, and hugs to other humans so I can feel them.

Mercy allowed my Daddy to live in the '70s when a 1000 pound belly pan fell on his head (they came to get him in the hearse).
Grace allowed him to marry my mom and then allowed me to call him Daddy.

Mercy allows me to know I'll see those I love again.
Grace allows me to carry the memories now.

Mercy allows me a job, a home, a car, and MANY other blessings!
Grace allows me to enjoy them, even the work involved.

Mercy allows me to heal from sin.
Grace allows me fresh chances that I should not have.

Moments of mercy and grace are such life changing, even eternity changing glimpses of heaven that I sit and marvel that a holy God could so transform a wretch like me to even see them....and hopefully offer them.  I am simply amazed!!  Even as I write this I'm sitting here praying to my Abba Father and all I can manage is "Wow." I could sit here for days telling of punishments that have been withheld from me and blessings bestowed that I will never deserve. It truly is an amazing, awe inspiring start to my day.

Friends

As I predicted in January, this has been a year of growing!!!  I can honestly say that some days the growing pains have been nearly unbearable. Yet, it is in those times of trial that not only have I been changed on the inside but my perception of people and the world has changed too.  I began a journey that isn't done but even at this point only a few people keep steadily journeying beside me.  I don't fault the others for jumping ship for there are days I've considered it.  However, I'm still waking up in the mornings and that tells me that God isn't done working on this earthly vessel.
I was praying for a friend asking God what He would have me say and maybe a part of me was hoping He'd change His mind and send someone else; I was having a Jonah moment.  I was needing some grace....maybe that's why God sent me to the book he did. 
As I was praying and looking, God brought a passage from a book I had read to my mind.  I had to find it!  When I did I found the coolest quote about friendship.  It says, "Most folks figure a true friend is someone who accepts them as they are.  But that's dangerous garbage to believe.  The kid who works the drive-through at your local fast-food restaurant accepts you.  But a true friend brings out the best in you.  A best friend will tell you the truth...and a wise best friend will include a healthy dose of perspective."  I found it to be intriguing and double edged.  I want VERY much to be that friend, the wise best friend and challenged to see that some people (albeit a tad bit misguided from my perspective) have had that idea in their heart even if it didn't come out that way.  God reminded me of a friend who had to walk the steps God is challenging me to and I needed her to that person....I just hope I do as well on the other side of the conversation as she did and that grace will cover where I fail.
I'm still praying about what God would have me say!!!  However, I am also praying for courage, a clear mind, and an open heart....all of the above for both sides of the conversation.  He is faithful, good, merciful, loving, kind, loyal, and able to fill in my gaps.  I'm praying even now that He lays the ground work, that He makes me small so He can be BIG, that the enemy is bound, and that I run this leg of the race well. 

Grace

Last night I stood before my small library and ask God to show me what I needed to read.  What I needed to see.  I've read most of my books at least once and that is true for the one that caught my attention:  David Jeremiah's Captured by Grace. It made me start thinking about what the word grace really means.  I pray for it for myself and others but what pray-tell am I really asking for? 
Right now I'm not sure I have the answer but I am at the place I can state that grace is truly amazing.  Grace is the bridge that takes my weaknesses, sins and short comings and walks me to the abundance of Christ.  It is that force that gives me more than I deserve; the thing that allows me to go beyond my humanism; the thing that covers my limited-ness.  It is partnered with mercy to take the shame of my past and mold it into something beautiful.  Grace is what God applies when I reach out to love and don't get it quite right.  Grace is what God gives me when I reach the end of myself and have absolutely nothing left to offer/give and I turn to Him and fills in the gaps.  It is taking the broken, shattered pieces of me and turning them into a new and transformed piece of art.  It is God stretching down from heaven to count my tears and number the hairs on my head.  Grace is God loving me enough to hurt, ache, and probably cry as He hung His son on a cross and turned His back as Jesus died for my sins...to make me right with a just God.  Grace is what said to me, my child you have run far enough, come home.  Grace is what allows that sinful journey and transform it into something that is relevant to someone with a completely different journey.  Grace is being able to smile on the saddest of days and it is a real smile, not the fake ones.  It is the force that carries you on when your heart is breaking. Grace is the love of the cross chasing me, hunting me, leaving the 99 to pursue me.
I'm not sure I've summed it up well nor am I sure it really matters. As with most parts of life, it isn't so much the destination, but the journey to get there.  It isn't really even about me at all.  I'm just the moon trying to reflect the Son...

Today I find I need to write. I need to put in words why these tears won't stop, why I feel like a mess.
You see I have finally learned to love and be loved...not the fake imitation of 8 years. And love sometimes hurts. We finally talked today...the first time in 2 months. I love him more now. I hope one day I can post our wedding day and my friend Jennifer can blog about new life for us. However, I know my plans are not God's and I really want to honor Him and give Him the room to work it out as he needs to. My heart breaks because even though he is getting the "space" and life he asked for and wanted, he's got "fine" not abundant. God didn't just promise life (or fine) but He promised that and then some (abundant). I've been down the road of fine...it's not really fine. I've settled. I know how my own heart broke and all hurt from trying to make my life fine. I needed Jesus. At times I have felt He jerked me up by the hair of my head and drug me down the path of healing and other times I gladly trudge along because I was tired of being where I was. I was at the end of me. I can't make him want abundant, I can't drag him around, and I can't "fix it." I can't but God can and He is stretching my faith; asking me to believe that He is sovereign; asking me to remember that this pain and these tears do have a purpose. It's not an easy journey and not one I'd have chosen on my own but one I don't feel I can jump off of either. You see, even though the world thinks I'm nuts, I know what God has called me to and I know that being faithful to Him and what He calls me to is MUCH more important than what people think of me. So, I journey on....
The other pain is knowing that Friday marks 10 years since my Daddy went to be with Jesus. I'm not sure who I'm jealous of, my Dad or Jesus. Not really, but it does make me smile and I need to smile. I know I can celebrate the 19 years I had him and the lessons he taught me, the love he shared, and the memories I have. But right now I need to be like David and give myself time to grieve....the 10 years I haven't had him and the things he has missed and will miss. Even when I was too big to sit in his lap any more and he hated when I cried, he never failed to hug me and wipe away my tears. I never appreciated all he did for me till after he was gone...if heaven weren't so far away I'd drive up for a few days and have a visit.
I doubt I ever look back and think this was one of my more well written posts but I can say I've written it honestly and with tears streaming running down my face. 

Growing....

It seems 2011 is going to be a year of growing for me if these first weeks of January are any indication. I'm accepting of that and thankful that there is a Holy God who refuses to leave me as I am....that He is still working on me. I have been encouraged to write what I am learning so that when I am asked about at a later date I will be able to find my account of it. I'm out of the habit of putting pen to paper and by writing here maybe someone else will be able to be encouraged by what the Lord is doing in me.

All that being said I'm a bit overwhelmed on where to start. I began to try an online dating site which I might add I do NOT recommend for the faint of heart, but maybe that's about dating in general and overall....However, I will even say God has used this to grow me. I began to chat with a man who has been very nice, sweet, kind, and he would discuss his faith with me. His background is VERY different than mine. At first, I was going to just dismiss him and move on....I wasn't sure we could overcome the differences. In fact, sometimes I'm still not, but he's at least willing to listen to me explain what I think.

It is in these discussions that I have come to the place to question why I believe what I believe. If I required him to have scripture to back up what he was saying then I needed my own....and found myself sadly lacking.

I had been praying about the matter and who to talk with. I'd spoken briefly to my pastor about the differences in the names of "religions" and what they really meant. (On that note I need to seek him out for a longer conversation so I can explain what Convenient Evangelical means and how it binds our band of misfits.) I have a friend that I bounce a lot of these types of questions off of and so I sent her a message. She and her husband sat down with me for a couple of hours and we hashed out the basics of the questions I had with the promise to have more time to discuss questions that are sure to arise (some already have).

My overarching question revolved around whether someone could lose their salvation. I have always been taught that once you were saved you were always saved. Upon stating this was asked then how did one become saved. This again is something I feel like I should pull out the Roman's Road and show someone but I was searching for something different, deeper.... So, upon a little guidance in the scripture I have some answers to my questions.

I'm going to start with Ephesians 2:1 "Once you were dead because of your disobedience and you many sins. I was dead, unable to do anything, a corpse." I've often heard it taught that salvation is a gift and all I have to do is take it, reach out and receive it. However, if I am dead I am unable to even reach for it, unable to even open my hand to take it. So, that would mean someone (God) had to come to me purposefully knowing they were going to have to do all the work.

Here I will back up to Ephesians 1: 4-14. You can read the whole thing for yourself but I want to bring out a few specific words/thoughts. "Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family...This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure....glorious grace he poured out....he chose us in advance....he identified you as his own.....he has purchased you to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him."

I think I should add that we are all born in sin and bent toward sin. There is nothing in us to desire God, to seek Him, nor to be different than how we were born. That leads me back to how was I saved....in the past I would have answered that I accepted Christ as my Savior on a Sunday as a 7 or 8 year old girl at the church we were attending at the time. Now, after seeing just how unable I was to receive....I was dead after all, I will answer that on that day I bowed to the awesome amazing wonderful holy wholly loving call of God on my life. Before He spoke the world into being He choose me and on that day bowed my heart in overcoming power to submit to the greatest love ever known. He purchased me from the sinful life wholly deserving hell and set me apart. I did nothing in this process. He bent my heart, soul, will, and mind toward Him. He provided the faith and humbling; those are not sinful human things but are gifts from Him. John 1: 11 says, "He came to his own people, and even they rejected him."

At this point in studying and talking my questions began to be if God began the work or process of salvation, of making me Christ-like then how did I do some of the things I have done and doesn't that separate me from this love and salvation????? Without going too deeply into free will and just how free one's will is let me say that people are at different places in their faith and strength.

Satan is a roaring lion looking for who he can destroy; he comes to still kill and destroy. I think this is why we are admonished to build up one another in the body of Christ. It's in our weakness that we lose sight of whose we are and make choices we end up not being proud of. Now having said that, I also think God knew we were going to do these things and uses them to bring Him glory. He isn't surprised by what we do and nor does He require our obedience to accomplish His will. This reminds me of Mordecai telling Esther that God will save the Jews without her but perhaps she was put here in this time and place to accomplish this purpose.

I'm getting off subject.....saying that our flesh is weak and we all sin even when we purpose after God. I am reminded of David who was deemed a man after God's own heart. Even in his affair with Bathsheba and his choice in insure her husband was killed in battle, God never quit on him. 2 Timothy 2:13 says, "If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is."

That brings me to the last part of what I went in search of....can I be separated from my salvation? Can it be lost? I think that depends on how you obtained salvation. If you maintain you had to accept the gift of salvation then yes you can denounce your acceptance. However, if you maintain that God did all the work and you had nothing to do with it then no it can not be lost. First, it makes no sense for God to have chosen me before the foundations of the world to be His, knowing everything I would do both righteous and sin, and then to turn His back on me when I do what He already knew I would do. He knew it all when Jesus died, was buried, and rose again to defeat said sin and resulting death.

Now, even if that doesn't make sense to you there are two places in scripture I'd like to consider. The first is Romans 8: 35-39 which says, "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love?....And I am convinced that nothing (I would add here not even sin; nothing means nothing) can separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus out Lord." The other place I would reference is Psalms 139. "O Lord you have examined my heart and know everything about me....You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord....I can never escape from you Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven you are there; if I go down to the grave (I will add that some versions say hell instead of grave) you are there but even in darkness I cannot hide from you....You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed...."

As anticipated I now have new questions but for now this is what God has given me. I pray it blesses and encourages you! :)